Growth in Life: A Mental Health Counselor’s Perspective

Recently, I was having lunch with a young 19-year-old who is transitioning from foster care to being out on his own. As I was pushing him to take greater risks in his life, he got a little upset with me and said, “ I just feel like you want me to fail.” My reply was, “Yes, that sounds about right.” I paused and let that sink in before following up. He seemed surprised, and rightfully so. I wanted to validate his perspective while simultaneously providing an alternative perspective which I thought he needed. After all, perspective is reality. I let him know that I was pushing him to make some uncomfortable yet mature decisions with his life. I also expressed my absolute confidence in his ability to pursue whatever goals or passions he had for his life. I let him know that I, and plenty of others, would be available for support and feedback as he made these major life decisions. I clarified that I did not want him to fail so much as I expected him to fail. I also expected him to learn and grow from those failures. I also shared with him a book called Trying by Kobi Yamada, which is about learning to appreciate and even embrace those failures for growth.

Jake Garn served as a US senator representing Utah for almost 20 years. One of his responsibilities as a senator was overseeing the budget for NASA. It was always his desire to fly in space, and he repeatedly hounded the administration about doing so. He was eventually given permission to fly, but people saw this as a political stunt and questioned why it was necessary. Some even viewed it as a privilege because he was a senator. He was eventually interviewed on The Today Show by Jane Pauley who questioned the wisdom of this decision by asking, “Isn’t it true that the only reason why you are going into space is because you are a senator?” Senator Garn’s response was “Yes,” which took all of the steam out of her interview. He then elaborated further on why he was going. He was an accomplished military pilot having served in both the US Navy and the Utah Air National Guard with over 17,000 hours of flying time. He had as many or more hours than any of the astronauts currently with NASA. He also had a responsibility as a senator to ensure that public funds were being spent appropriately, and there probably wasn’t anyone more qualified in Congress to oversee this department. Incidentally, nobody questioned him regarding the motives of NASA after that interview. I think it is important for each of us to own our opinions, not run away or hide from them. We shouldn’t make apologies for the truth, regardless of who or what it may inconvenience or even hurt. We don’t need to be brash or overbearing in our approach, but there is immense value in sharing the truth with others.

This trait, along with trust, represents the foundation of every great relationship. Being honest does not mean that we are unnecessarily mean. After all, brutal honesty is still brutality. It also doesn’t mean that we share everything with anybody. It does mean that we are direct and transparent when needed. I have learned the value of surrounding myself with smart people who disagree with me and are willing to voice it. I was meeting with a teenager who had type 1 diabetes and required a lot of additional Community Services because of choices made by his family members. Several years ago, his brother who was close in age passed away from a childhood terminal illness. It was incredibly challenging to get the teenager to open up and share his feelings about this loss. He would always put me off by saying something like, “ I don’t really want to talk about that stuff,” or “Can we just talk about something else, because this always puts me in a bad place?” Unfortunately, this avoidance led him to utilize some unhealthy coping strategies, and he was nearing a point where he would be removed from his home and placed further away from his family. We were at a critical point in his treatment. Then one day, he started to open up about his feelings regarding his brother. As expected, it was incredibly emotional but also relieving to finally unload what he had been carrying around for several years. He admitted that talking about it was not as hard as he thought it was going to be. Then one day, he took it to another level and finally started to talk about why he was angry and came up with a fairly lengthy list to describe his emotions. He almost seemed to be vomiting his feelings out and was not particularly interested in what that looked like or even how it sounded. However, releasing the tension and frustration that he had built up over the years became cathartic for him. There was no need for me to solve the problems because feeling validated was enough. This important experience required him to be honest about his experiences, needs, and wants.

I did a little experiment with my youngest daughter. I asked her to tell me where she thought I was typically on random days and times throughout the week. For example, “Where am I on Tuesday at 2:34 pm or Saturday at 6:17 am?” To her surprise, she answered every question perfectly. I wanted her to understand that despite whatever chaos or problems were going on in her life, she could know what to expect and rely on me to be where I say I am. This trust builds confidence in our children and helps reassure them that they will be supported in whatever problems arise. Few things invite chaos into our lives more than an inability to trust. Even exaggerating our wants and needs invites uncertainty into our relationships. My general feeling is that most people can handle whatever we share with them because it helps them know what to expect.